WOULD YOU TELL?

 

Hey guys! 

 

 

 

It has been a while since I last posted a piece and as much as I have many excuses up my sleeve, the truth is I have been plain lazy (coversface). It hasn't entirely been my fault though; I have been out of the country for almost two months on what was supposed to be a vacation/discovery period, but I am having a really difficult time being idle. I spend my days shopping, hanging out with friends and relatives. And my nights, I sleep the sleep of the dead (I insist, it ain't my fault!)

 Anyway, how have you guys been? I mean, Christmas is knocking on the door and the New year celebrations will follow; I hope you have all your gifts wrapped for the gift exchange on Christmas Day? I feel different about this holiday. Asides the fact that it's the first time I would be spending the new year celebrations so far from home, I have been anticipating the snow season in this freaking place and it just wouldn't come! Bush girl like me! It's like some bad voodoo, the more I hope and pray for it, the warmer the weather gets. So I don't have a lot of faith in this Christmas been a blast.

 

 

As I mentioned earlier, I have so much free time on my hands now and with the year coming to an end, I can't seem to stop myself from reminiscing about the past. My thoughts happened to settle on a particular incident that happened almost a decade ago. I was a pre-degree student of Obafemi Awolowo University when I heard a story about a group of close girlfriends. One of the friends had a boyfriend who was cheating on her steady and all the other friends knew this. Apparently, the girl had no idea her boyfriend was a serial cheat and the question was whether to tell or not.

 

 

 

 

One of the most difficult things in life is seeing the light of hope and innocence die in a loved one's eyes. It simply breaks your heart to be the harbinger of bad news and most times the messenger is always injured. That said, it is also very disheartening to be told the truth by outsiders when you have friends you believe should have been looking out for you. In such instances, you feel like a fool and the harrowing sense of loneliness overwhelms you.
For this reason, should I find myself in such a scenario, I will carefully consider the psyche of my friend, the closeness between us and the love I have in my heart for her. As long as it isn't false information, then telling such truth to a dear friend is my responsibility. And if being the infamous herald of bad news is the price to pay, I will gladly write a fat cheque of what I like to call save-a-girl-from-a-cheating-ass-trash-man. And here's the thing, telling a dear friend would seem like the natural thing to do if they mean so much to you,without malice or the 'I told you he was a 'fuckboy' attitude most girls put on when they hear stuff like that.  Just a simple gesture of friendship and looking out for each other.
On the other hand, if your relationship with your friend is tenuous at best or you know in your heart that she cannot handle it, or she's just going to find a way to make you take blame for her Man's doings, then girlfriend, just shift to one side and shut your mouth. I mean, the relationship lacks depth and substance and you want to open your mouth and tell her that her boyfriend is cheating? Ha, I pity you! At best, your 'friendship' is over and worst, you will be labelled boyfriend snatcher, relationship destroyer, enemy of progress among many of such names.
If you feel guilty or your conscience won't let you rest, my friend use ice-cream to drown the guilt and move on (I personally would recommend suya and a cold bottle of malt). It is sincerely none of your business and not everyone is worth losing sleep over. 

Alright guys, you know the drill already. Do not forget to leave your opinions in the comment section. I love feedbacks!

Merry Christmas darlings......

RAPE.....MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING?

Bunch of maniacs!

It has taken me a lot of hours researching,thinking and ruminating over this particular topic and hopefully this will end in a good place. Weeks back I noted down the topic 'marital rape' in my diary but that will be a post for another day.

Today,I will be ranting energetically about the attitude of rape.Seems strange yeah?

A couple of days ago,a story broke on Twitter about a lady who spoke out after being allegedly raped when she was underaged. What made Twitter go crazy wasn't really the topic (at least that was what I perceived) but the concerned parties. Now this blog post is not about the personalities involved,it is mainly about the attitude of the average Nigerian man on Twitter towards the incident.

 

When news on rape breaks on social media,it is saddening to note how quickly some persons give excuses on behalf of the rapist and surprisingly none for the victim. These individuals are known as 'rape apologists'. From offering horrific reasons such as indecent dressing and hanging with the wrong bunch, to calling the rape victim a cocktease, it is seriously alarming how these apologists are so narrow minded to say the least (I should point out that boys also get raped but that is topic for another day)

The bone of contention I am struggling with is why rape victims are forced to feel ashamed while perpetrators are allowed to roam free after paying some bribe and statements like "why were you in his house?" "Why didnt you fight or shout?" are thrown at the victims. Atimes, the victims are questioned in front of the abusers with questions like: Are you sure you were raped? 

According to research,less than 20 rapists have ever being convicted of rape in Nigeria,this is a country where countless number of rape ordeals are heard of daily. But then what do you expect of a country whose senators are free to marry 7year old females.

Also according to research,one in three Nigerian females has been sexually molested,assaulted or propositioned before the age of thirty. 

(Sigh)

I am a firm believer in 'innocent until proven guilty' but numerous episodes of Law and Order;Special Victims Unit has taught me that a little sympathy shown to the victims goes a long way.

Some of the rape apologists asked questions like why rape victims keep going back to their abusers.I wonder who hasn't heard of Stockholms Syndrome in this day and age,battered wives keep going back to their husbands,children keep quiet about their abusers,kidnapping victims keep mute about their kidnappers and in all of these instances,victims even sometimes start defending their abusers.It is not rocket science,no,just rudimentary psychology(at this stage,instead of making mathematics compulsory in secondary schools,why not try simple psychology instead).

We as a people know that African women still have a long journey ahead in proving that they are equal to men.This cause has birthed great individuals and enjoyed a lot of social media. Still,we can ask ourselves this: girls are taught to be chaste and modest,but what exactly do we tell our boys?

If as a man,you beat your wife at home in the presence (or even absence) of your kids,why wouldn't your sons insult and demean ladies outside?I mean,afterall a father is his son's first role model.

I want to use this opportunity to reach out to all the ladies that have been sexually molested and assaulted,that you keep quiet does not make you less of a woman,you are just finding your own way of healing.And to the ladies that have found or are finding the courage to speak out,you are the real MVP.Do not be shamed,instead point out the assholes that hurt you and let THEM be ashamed and hopefully burn in hell!

PS: Your opinions will be appreciated.

GUILTY AS I CHARGE YOU!

Hey guys,I know it has been a while since I last put up a blog post. I have had so much on my plate that most times I just jot down things I want to write about and forget the put them up.

Anyway the reason I am putting up a blog post very different from what I usually do is because of a write up my friend put up on bbm.(see below)

After seeing this,I flashed back on my Uni days, this is a real story.

While in the Uni,I got a lot of rumors and stories being bandied about me,so much that at a point I thought I had a twin I didnt know about. Out of the many rumors,the one that shocked me on every level was when someone told my boyfriend that I was a 'runz girl'. In fact this person gave 'actual'testimonies that were so believable.I was angry at first,then I started doubting myself in every manner.I felt I was probably giving those vibes with the way I dressed,walked,talked,laughed or socialized.It was simply crazy!

As if that wasn't enough,a very close friend was told that I wasn't even a student,that I was just in school to keep up appearances.Crazy hunh?

On the other side,there are people I have heard a lot of sordid stories about them that I shamelessly believed.It was wrong,it was unjustly,It was unfair.Because of how hurt and confused I felt when it concerned me,I am now investing much energy into learning how to know people for who they are and not for what they are said to be.I can tell you that it is not so easy,infact with some people you would wish you didn't spend so much energy finding out who they are.But for the few good hearted people who could get easily misjudged,it is a necessary habit.  

After so many of these purported stories,I then realized that people will talk about you whether you give them reason to or not.Yours is to make sure you do not confirm any negative or untrue stories about you. You can also join me in this self imposed journey on learning how to not judge people based on rumors.You can start by checking what you really know about your so-called 'arch-enemy',you could have been misled unknowingly.

 PS:If you have any stories about the topic,do not forget to drop them in the comments section.

The story of the EXES…

 Lazy Sundays are definitely not a novelty to me.

As it happened this particular Sunday, I decided to take a stroll through my TL on twitter, as I usually do when I find myself less busy and then I saw it, the 64 million dollar question that always seem to get people boiled up: Is it a big deal if your best friend and ex hook up? As you have correctly guessed (those familiar with twitter rants), my TL was lit with enough opinions, and one would have thought it was a political debate. Since it was a quiet Sunday in with the boo, I turned to him and posed the question, his reply was; what kind of ex is she? And this made me pause for a second; I replied ‘what do you mean? He then said there were some kind of exes you still feel some residual emotions for and those you don’t.

This reminded  me of an old story about two good friends I heard about, Susan and Tia. Susan had a boyfriend, Anthony, with whom she had been in a relationship for three years until she graduated. Tia and Anthony still had a year left in school before graduation. The gist was, their relationship was the talk of the whole campus because they were so in love and weren’t shy when it came to PDAs. They went everywhere together, lived and studied together and just about did everything together until Susan graduated. A few months after, Susan and Anthony broke up due to some issues- primarily, distance.

Anyway, after the breakup, Susan started noticing some distance between her and her friend. Tia had become so secretive. This made Susan very suspicious. At first she felt it was school issues, and then Tia graduated with First class honours which pretty much ruled that out. This behaviour continued for months until Susan got fed up. She decided to consult friends they had in common. She asked what was wrong with Tia and why she had been acting peculiar for months. Their friends said nothing. They all denied knowing what could be affecting Tia. Not long after, everybody parted ways.

 Many years later, Susan was going through her facebook page and saw some pictures of Tia, she decided to check though her profile and what she saw made her weak, Tia was married to Anthony and they were expecting their first child together! Apparently, Tia and Anthony hooked up after the break up. Life is a pot of beans abi?

Now the question that went round was; what was the big deal? At least Susan and Anthony broke up before Tia entered the picture. It wasn’t as if it Tia broke the relationship. In fact others went as far as to tell Susan to be happy since her friend found happiness through her.

Some others did not so understand, saying Tia must have wanted a relationship with her best friend’s boyfriend all along. Out of the thousands of guys she could have dated, why did she pick him? Others went as far as saying Tia could have instigated the breakup.

Now my opinion is this, there is a universal code among girls, one of which is; you must not date your friend’s ex. That said, there are exigent circumstances, situations beyond our control. After all, we do not choose who we fall in love with.

On a personal note though, I do not believe in exes. Once we breakup, we never dated!

AFTER NYSC......WHAT NEXT?

I am a Nigerian!

That statement says a lot more than it seems. This is because as a Nigerian child,I have been conditioned to never accept or dwell in whatever situation I find myself, instead I have to think of the next possible (or sometimes impossible) step. 

When I was very much younger,I felt being the most brilliant pupil in class was the biggest deal. Then I went on to secondary school where getting promoted to the next class was the biggest deal. What next? scaling through junior secondary to senior secondary school, then the finals!

Ok let me take a pause.

The finals were not the normal promotional examinations, in fact I was told to view it as a do or die affair- the beginning or end of my life!

Seems too dramatic yeah?

Obviously, you are not a Nigerian!

Moving on to gaining admission to the top university in the country was the next big step, then overcoming different carryovers, sick lecturers, boring courses and then the FINALS OF THE FINALS!

Another pause again.

Ok, at this point you probably have given up on the educational system, many thanks to Fs you managed to bag, and all you want is to be done with the drama! Then you remember,oh! one more step,NYSC!!!!

So here I am, hours after getting my certificate and I am thinking, what next?

Some of y'all will say marriage, jobs or masters.

Typical Nigerians I suppose!

Never would you hear 'take a trip','focus on yourself for once' or 'just sleep'.

Oh well, we like to think we must be survivors even when we are at war ONLY with ourselves!

So, what do I do after NYSC?

WHO SAID I WANTED TO BE YOUR 'BABY MAMA'?

The effrontery!
I mean what gave you the right to label me,'Baby Mama'. What happened to single mother or other worthy substitutes.Who said I wanted to be your 'Baby Mama'?
A couple of weeks ago,I was at a function and I heard a guy bragging to his friends that he was not interested in settling down with any woman (this I didn't fault). But then,he went on to say he would find himself a fair beautiful lady with smashing curves,impregnate her and get the kid,just like that! It took every discipline my loving mother instilled in me to not stand up,get in the guy's face and........oh well,you know the rest. Apart from the above mentioned discipline,the guy in question happens to be a bulky guy and I sincerely didn't want to be beaten within an inch of my life.(craziness has limits you know).
Anyway,back to the topic,why is it becoming so much of a trend that we no longer hide it. While growing up,if an aunt should get pregnant out of wedlock,she would be disgraced,ostracized maybe banished and definitely used as cautionary tale for the younger ones. Now,I am very much aware that the world is changing and things are not the way they were years back,but has that given these guys the impunity to pick a girl at random because of her physical attributes. These girls not knowing they have been chosen like mares for stallions,go into the relationship,get pregnant and then,shit gets real.The 'celebrities' are definitely not helping matters as we continue to adulate those who have up to three 'Baby Mamas' or more,seeing them as our role models.Guys,all I am saying is be a man,sit down and have that talk with the lady.Do not just go ahead and impregnate her without knowing her plans just for your own selfish purpose.
To the ladies,stop crying wolf when it happens because if you are old enough to be having sexual relations,then you should be old enough to take necessary precautions.It is not enough to leave the condom procurement for the guys,get up,go out and get yours.And if you are interested in having a baby out of wedlock,it should be YOUR choice, not a situation you found yourself. Lastly, do not be okay with being referred to as some dude's 'Baby Mama'
PS:Do not forget to drop your opinions in the comments section below.
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Body Count Syndrome

Years ago on twitter, I had the pleasure of witnessing a quarrel that apparently happened all because a certain lady refused to disclose her body count to her current partner who then came on Twitter to troll her.

For those of your who are anti-twitter or social media, Body Count Syndrome is the belief on social media about the number of people an individual has had sexual intercourse with;in plain english,the number of people you have slept with.

This reminds me fondly about the reply I gave one of my friends when she asked me what I would say if my partner asked me my body count.My then young and seriously immature brain said I would simply tell him the truth.

Hahahhaha,how young and stupid I was!

After much growing up and understanding the mind of men and women alike,I have come to the conclusion that if you are my ex,then we never happened.Meaning I simply have no body count!

A lot of you reading this will say,hanhan,Tope,that is a lie nah...Oh well,bite me!

In the beginning of the relationship,what people refer to as the honeymoon phase,we are so blinded by lust and all the yummy feelings that we cannot wait to just unburden our souls to that one person who we feel will be our soulmate.As a result we lower our guards,say to hell to well honed defense systems we have put in place and just open our emotion-addled brain and sprout all the secrets we have held close overtime.Now fast forward a few months or years if you are lucky,the honeymoon phase is gone and you are left with the realness,the core and what happens,insults are traded,hurtful words are thrown around and gbam! You are judged in the present by the past you have divulged.

Holup holup! I am not advocating keeping secrets in relationships but why would you reveal what wouldn't hurt your partner anyway..I mean why?

My conclusion is this,if you are going to reveal your BC to someone,be careful who you choose.I am sure you don't want your BC a topic on Twitter!

It is your business and if you are going to make it another person's, be sure they have earned the right to!

Ps:Remember to drop your views in the comments section.

FROM THE ASHES OF TEMPORARY JOBLESSNESS.......

I am not a writer.
In fact keeping diaries was never my thing.I cannot count the number of diaries I have discarded.
It is really nothing dramatic,at least not to me.The thought of putting pen to paper day after day just tires me.Which begs the question:why do I have a blog?
You see,all my life,I have always had a job of some kind.From ushering jobs to hosting events to working as an OAP in a radio station,then on to being an internet marketer,business developer and finally a presenter/producer/manager for a TV channel.Its been one worry and the next,never a moment to be a free lady with nary a worry.

A couple of years ago,a friend of mine,Bisola asked me to come write on her blog (theavidskeptic.blogspot.com),lets just say I got cold feet for lack of a better phrase and offered the excuse that I was super busy (covers face)

Anyway,I recently took a few weeks break from work due to some personal reasons and found myself with a lot of time on my perfectly manicured fingers.My brain then clicked on a seemingly innocent comment my friend,Funmi (also a blogger,check thefullfiguredfemale.blogspot.com) dropped under one of my posts on Instagram saying with the storied details I write under my posts,I should consider starting a blog,added to my recent obsession with the american series:Awkward,I decided to give it  try.
It has been said that I am stubborn and strong headed which means I won't stop writing here.
This blog will be diary of my thoughts,my views,my opinions and most especially gossip I wish to share with the public.
I welcome you all to my blog and I hope it will be as much, if not more fun than I envisaged.